Analysis

Hard to decide where to begin--I have had time to analyze my photography pursuits.  I have processed through my desire to take a class yet not being able to, my desire to improve but feeling stuck, wondering if it is God's will for me to continue, is it ok to want this, to go after it, or should my energy be spent elsewhere.. etc, etc.  Helpful in a lot of this thinking was that I read a book about desiring after God's kingdom and not my own.  There were MANY helpful learning points and reminders in the book but toward the end the author portrays a scenario of a woman who is very happy about her life.  Very content.  She is thankful to God for all he is given her and all her dreams are fulfilled: home in the suburbs, kids, kids doing well in school, husband is kind and hardworking, nice church family, health...as I read it, I thought-- this is a picture of victory, right? She has what she desired, and is thankful to God for it.  She isn't discontent and constantly in pursuit of more. Contentment- it's good. It's right. Right?  Well, yes- but the author was saying she is MISSING the point! This life is not about our life- we were created to be a part of a bigger plan.  In a nutshell, we are to pursue God's kingdom and not our own.  Being content with her life, this woman was fine just as she was but she had no heart aching for the lost or seeking God for how she would be used each day for His purposes in the world.  It was a little shocking to me as I read it- it sounded so good in the scenario.  How easily we settle for less than God has for us.  How easily we think contentment comes in our miniscule little kingdom.  For one thing, what happens when one little thing in that perfect world gets tipped over? But, how challenging it was to consider myself, my finite mind, my selfish pursuits.  What bogs me down? What are my hopes? It's the small stuff- in the little kingdom of Dawn.  Do I think happiness is going to be found in obedient children?  In easily achieved academic success of my children? In an organized home? In physical beauty? In relationships and affection? Or as in the case of this topic-- creative pursuits, creative expression, success in learning and pursuing a goal?

It's crazy to think about how many ways I live in the Dawn-kingdom mindset every day.  It is revolutionary to try to replace the many thoughts and emotions of one day with a Heavenly kingdom mindset.  It is part of the way I feel when I see my dad's number on my caller ID :), and how I respond to yet another sibling rivalry conflict before 7am, and who I decide to invite over for dinner, how I spend my money, how I use my "free time", etc, etc.  So- I was convicted and I was challenged and I was SO motivated walking around some mountain roads in the quiet.  I was ashamed for feeling disappointment in not getting to take a photography class.  Who cares, right?! What is photography in the scheme of things.  Why was I even spending time on it? Should I be?  Maybe I need to stop....

But, as with all things in life-- BALANCE. :) The pendulum began to swing the other direction and I began to ask the Lord if I really had to give it up.  Is it ok to have this pleasurable pursuit?  As motivated as I felt, the sadness weighed pretty heavily at the thought of stopping.  So, (I really didn't mean to go into this so much--but I guess it's part of the journey) I have come to the conclusion that it's ok for me to pursue this.  It's ok to enjoy it just for the sake of enjoyment.  But, I need to guard against wanting more than God provides in His timing for my growth, my ability.  I need to continually keep it with an open hand lifted up.  I hope to also use it at times for His Kingdom purposes as He shows me.

With that perspective a new thought line commenced---I can't take a class.  But, what else can I do to grow, then.  There has to be more than one way to ....to... what's the phrase? rope a cow? train a monkey? seriously, can't think of the phrase- but I started digging a little in finding another way or ways to grow.  What I have found so far- will be in the next post. Yes, boring, windy post with no images. :)  For now.. I have a FaceTime date with someone across the world! Bye!