project

I took this picture for a special Christmas project. Wanted to log it here.  I think it's the first time I have applied a matte finish to an image on color. I like it on this.

I'm thankful for this picture. But seeing it brought so much pain. Another hit I just didn't see coming. So many of them recently. ouch.

Immediate Goals

Photography goals right now are:

1) Take a family photo. Maybe this Saturday if schedules line up and I can get clothing and haircuts situated.  I have no idea where to go and will be working with my remote/timer again.  Should be an adventure! I am guessing we will go to the college in Turlock.  That can be so cheesy.  But, I hope to make it not so!

2. Complete the last 2 years of photos into an printed album by the end of 2014.  Never been so glad to be done with a year! But, I think it's important that I get organized enough to pull all the photographs together and in an album while I can.  I hope I can actually do it finally.

Using time

I haven't been able to get back onto the blog, but for many days have felt a bit of a change of heart from that last post.  Thank you, Lord.
I was just having a bad attitude again.:) I wish I didn't have to learn and re-learn the same things over and over in my spiritual life! The circumstances haven't changed a whole lot from my last post, but I don't feel so bad.  I could list a page full of things that aren't done correctly or needing to be done, and another page of things I wish I could change about my life- yet, I have a bit more peace about it.  Figured I better write that down before this fickle heart gets things upside down again! The Lord was good to bring His word to me in several ways over several days to remind me of a proper focus and to trust in Him.  The main thing is, we are making it.  Who cares if the house is a mess and laundry is piled high.  I was reminded that I am making choices with my time.  And though for sure I don't always use my time wisely and I sure can be lazy sometimes.....for the most part, I don't regret the choices I have made with my time.  The consequences or results can be hard to live with-- just adding chaos to chaos- but it is worth it.  I was reminded that I have used time to LIVE for this season, not knowing when life will take its next turn and bring us into a new season.  Time has been spent making memories as a family, building relationships with my growing children, celebrating birthdays well and opening our home to create moments for the extended family to share life with us.  I expect that after this first year, I might settle down a bit in this drive I seem to have right now...but for now, it seems right.  Like, if I do it any other way, I will have regret.  It seems right to live as many moments as I can to the fullest because Robert's illness may resurface at any point and life will change.  I want to be balanced and I don't want to live in a compulsive type way--but I do want to use this time well.  And so, we do a birthday party for each of them full out because Daddy is here and healthy this year and will be on the video recording that way- full of life.  And, we fit in as many family outings as possible to get those memories, use that time even though it stretches the budget.  I want those storehouses of memories to be filled up and snapshots accumulated. It seems the right time for extracurricular too!  I have prayed about what to let go of and I can't come to a conclusion! It all seems good.  It all seems like now is the time-as crazy as it is.  Choir, guitar, band, art classes, STEM classes, Robotics, Gymnastics, Tae Kwan Do, 4-H, and field trips! I want to pour out as much as I can right now because right now Daddy is going to work everyday.  (And most recently, able to drive.) Our future is expected to hold possibly another surgery recovery, chemotherapy, radiation, more seizures, etc.  At some point, I might not be able to give a birthday party or have a one on one Barnes and Noble date, or support involvement in a sport or fun activity.
And so- I needed to remind myself that these are the choices I am making for my time. Photography is so far down the list- and even then, I've been able to sneak in a few things.  If for 6-9 months the house never feels clean to my standards, then so be it.  If for the next year I don't grow at all in my photography pursuit, so be it. However, I do want to do a better job with my health.  I want to be taking care of myself with exercise and eating well.  That alone, impacts my outlook on things and my stamina.  Additionally, I feel this burden? ---not a negative type of burden but I can't think of another way to describe it.  Urgency?  I feel this urgency to also use this time to grow spiritually. There's this down time.  A pseudo-normalcy.  I pray that I don't squander this time.  I pray so fervently God will give me grace to use this time to grow spiritually and to lead my little family to do the same.  I want this time to be built up in my faith, strengthened in spiritual disciplines and habits, and communion with Jesus to be increased.  We will need it in the future.  I am so weak though.  So prone to wander.  So apt to use my time on other things and as evident on my blog- so quick to forget to rely upon the Lord's strength and timetable and not my own.

Well, as usual, a nice, concise summary of what is in this head! ;) When did this blog become so touchy feely instead of a place where I just write down what I'm learning anyway?! :) Oh well, it is what it is.  I'm sure someday I will just save the whole thing to a disk or print it off and be done with it rather than leaving such a confusing mess of things on a photography blog. But for now- it seems to be the only place I actually take the time to notate this journey.  I haven't written a single page in my journal for over 6 months.  weird.

nothing new

I have pictures on my camera that are unedited. More of the willow trees.  More of Kate in the grassy field.  I just don't have time.  Maybe I am feeling a little blue because I just paid the bills, haha- I don't know. We got a good medical report this week.  So thankful for that.  Yet my mood seems to be staying low along with my motivation for photography and this blog.  The blog seems to be mostly just for me these days- and I don't have anything new to record here.  So what's the point? Life is so busy.  I am so behind- seems like I conquer very little and instead, do many things halfway.  I'm praying about what to let go of.  And once again, wishing I was somehow more efficient.

American Honey

Friday nights with a special plan is fun.  I like it.  It's nice to get out, to go beyond the confining walls of the house.  But, I also really like a Friday afternoon without having a big plan and nothing to get ready for.  On those Fridays I can finish up the school day and feel the freedom of not having to think about academic related pressures for 2 days! It is so freeing.  And in those moments, I LOVE to turn up some loud, fun music- sing and dance while I clean my kitchen or living room or whatever.  What type of music varies- could be bluegrass, could be jazz, could be oldies, could be Christian, could be country, etc.  Hey, sometimes it's the soundtrack to Newsies! One of my favorite country groups is Lady Antebellum. I love so many of their songs but one I really enjoy is called American Honey.  I love the sound of it. It feels soothing- it makes me sing, and sway. :) For many months, whenever I have heard that song I have had this photography vision.  It is Kate in a grassy field, with this blue dress that I love. I thought I wouldn't ever get to try to realize the vision.  The warm season would end and the dress would be too small, etc.  But, whatdya know? Super warm beginning to fall and I snuck out to work on it on Sunday.  I can't say that this is what I envisioned :) My young model couldn't quite get down the elegant yet carefree walk/stride I had pictured. And, lacking a good location, I fought with barriers in the view and other distractions.  But, as I look through the shots I got- I like this one to match the song.  It's not so lyrically applicable to my Kate.  Or to me, really.  Because I grew up early and fast. But, the song and the image match the photographic vision I had. Here it is:

(and by the way, I had never watched the video before posting here- though I see a little girl was used in filming the video. pinky promise I didn't see that before)

http://youtu.be/PgawTEzsJD0

twirling

I was able to sneak out to the park on Sunday evening to do a little photo shoot with Kate.  All the usual barriers were present- time, sunlight fading, public place so lots of people in the way, the boys fighting, one having to go to the bathroom urgently as soon as I got things where I wanted them, etc etc. :) In the midst of all that, I forgot to check my ISO. I don't know how that slipped my mind! Seems so basic.  But I had the ISO bumped pretty high from being indoors at my niece's bday. So- with my camera not handling highers ISO very well, this vision I have had for a while, and tried to squeeze in with this shoot- it's all pretty grainy.  Oh well. I'm still happy with some of what I caught.  It just isn't something I would enlarge in print. Too bad. Live and learn.

The Lord knew what he was doing when He gave me this girl.  She is so often a beautiful dose of grace and goodness in my life these days.  She is so loving.  So full of life and fun.  She enjoys beauty and cooking with me.  I appreciate this wonderful age where her heart is still so soft and sweet toward me.  I hope it stays.  Lord, please let it stay.

I was asked to be the photographer for our class reunion in a couple of weeks. Ha! FAT chance! People are SERIOUSLY overestimating my abilities! I turned them down. But maybe I will have a gig for the 30 year. :)

I hate titles

I used a "yesteryear" preset on this image.  It was one of the first I took that day,before getting my exposure right. But, when I opened it up I liked the highlights being blown out and the loss of detail actually worked in my favor, I think.

Water Hyacinth at sunset

New pics

I have several things to edit. A couple, I did a quick edit on and posted in a daily Instagram challenge.

This one- well, I think it does what I hope to do- it captures a bit of God's glory shown in the beautiful, intricate details of His creation.  I love the texture of the leaf and the play of light and shadows. BUT! I totally biffed the composition on this one.  That leaf needs some breathing room on the right of the frame! It bugs me. A lot. But, I posted it anyway because of the other things I mentioned.

This one is one of the willow trees. The wind was blowing and I was trying to capture some of that movement. It's hard to separate the experience from the image- to me, this is a very calming image. But, maybe that's just because I remember the sound of the willows, the quiet, rainy morning, etc.

This last shot was also taken at Fox Grove.  Almost by accident.  The sun was just about to slip below the horizon.  I have kind of gotten into a habit of keeping my camera on my face and turning around to see what I might be missing.  That's when I saw these WEEDS :) so pretty and illuminated by the setting sun.  

Once I saw this photo on my LCD screen, this quote came to mind. It is a poetry/literary favorite of mine, though kind of cheesy and overused.  :) I was thinking I might use it with this image to make another, more cheerful set of cards.  But, my sister thought it might be too mushy to be used for a basic friendship card.  The problem with ordering the cards is that there are so many of one kind.  I want it to be versatile so I will prob look for another quote if I end up using it for a card.  I don't know, though. I'm not sure if I agree with my sis! 

I am very glad that I got to do those pictures for Holly.  They are just in love with them! It is mostly to do with how in love they are with their son :) but, they feel so grateful for the pictures.  They are ordering a copy of everything I gave them and several 10x14. It was evident during the shoot, how much they are enamored with their little guy.  Sweet.  They mentioned that the only photos they have of him are on an iphone.  I know they don't have a lot of money.  I love that at this stage of my photography journey I can justify not charging people! It is such a blessing to be able to give something like this.  I would love to capture those lovely moments for people even if I was charging :) That's one level.  But, providing it to someone who wouldn't be able to get it otherwise hits down to my roots :) and it an extra measure of blessing to me.

Last week, the kids and I were leaving the driveway, headed to art class for Jacob.  I ran back in the house and grabbed my camera.  It was rainy/misty and I was thinking about those wonderful, glorious willow trees on Dusty Lane.  I pulled over on the way to class to snap a couple pictures.  Of course I lose all sense of time and reason when I have my camera so it turned into more than a couple minutes and I had to apologize to Jacob for making him late. :) I also got busted! Jesse drove by and saw my traipsing along in the rain and knee high grasses, climbing up on the fence with my camera in hand and my car full of kids about 30 feet away! haha!  He can't understand what I was doing! :)  Well, I have wanted  a picture of those willow trees for several years.  I look at them and they are so perfect.  It's like....a magical place where dreams take root and secrets are shared.  When it is windy outside, the leaves make this amazing shhhing sound.  I don't know. I like them.  The leaves will fall soon, so I am glad I tried to get a shot- though I haven't uploaded or edited yet to see if I got anything worthwhile.

My friend also told me about a photo opp at Fox Grove with lily pads.  I am going to try to head out there later this morning before I pick the kids up. 

I definitely feel like I have turned a corner here.  I have been contemplating on how great it feels to be in this place.  Restored for the time being.  Had I never gone through the bad season (oh, how paltry the word "bad" seems in this use- so understated)-- but anyway, had I never gone through the hard times, there's no way I could feel such love and tender gratitude to the Lord for healing and restoring.  It's not like everything is hunky dory.  There are still moments of grief each day, and some days, all day.  But, I'm not crippled with it right now.  I am fully aware that this could be a short season.  Even still, I am thankful.  Incredibly grateful for right now- where things are steady in a pattern of our "new normal." Where I have had time to adjust and process.  Where I have come through so many hard things by the outpouring of God's protection and grace and goodness. Where my mind has gone forward in time to wrestle through my fears and vulnerable places, and has now found a place to rest in the Lord with all the unknowns surrounding.  I don't allow myself to contemplate the future too much anymore and don't really feel the need.  The Lord is with me. Near to me.  And if there was a cloak over all of it, I would say it is a resounding, "His grace is sufficient for me."  It just is.  Has been. Will be.

And, photography ties in here- He has given it back a little bit.  But, it has been such a giving back rather than me taking it back and it feels different than before.  I always wanted it to be an offering to Him, but now it's so obviously a gift from Him to me that worship through it is seemingly inevitable. Maybe that sounds confusing. :) I just know that there is a peace that surrounds me now.  I don't have many opportunities but I am ok with the slow pace, ready to receive the gift of the learning and progress as He hands it to me.  Ready to wait if there is no time.  I pray He protects this heart attitude.  Right now, the photography has never been more beautiful.  It is like sweet gifts from the Lord, ministering right into my heart, showing me how He gave it back a little bit and how He put the fragments of my heart back together to a degree that I can keep going.  It brings hope and faith- no matter what comes next, if He can heal and reshape as He did, He can do it again.) Not that I want to go through it again! It's so scary to even contemplate it.  Yet, as I first mentioned, without the bad, the good isn't so vibrant, nor the healing power so evident.

Ok, all for now. Now time to proof read this. Hopefully I will have new images sometime in the near future.

Final pics of Baby F

This is what I gave the parents.. I will post them all because I redid some of the ones I posted earlier.

woohoooo!!!

I have ventured out a couple times this week to post some of my photos on an instagram photography group. Themes are assigned each day. I used older stuff. But today mine got chosen to be featured! ! So exciting! ! Outside of this blog I don't share my work much. Although I know this will be the place I will always be most vulnerable,  I am glad I was brave enough to share beyond these walls.  How fun to be featured!  :)

Screenshot

These look better on my computer! I lowered the resolution for web... Maybe I did too much.

Baby F

The shoot went well. Baby boy was grumpy. They said he is usually always happy.  After a while we were able to grab a few smiling shots.

I really enjoyed myself.  I was very relaxed despite a high stress day.  The parents were also laid back which was helpful.  Plus, cutest baby ever.

My heartbeat has been acting weird for several days now.  But, whether I was distracted from feeling it or whether it was fine- I don't know.  During the shoot, though, I was free from that yucky feeling for a while! By the end I was drenched in sweat, my stuff was scattered as usual all over the place, and I got a grass stain on my favorite shorts.  It was great. :)  The stress of the day melted off my shoulders (maybe literally) and I was just enjoying myself.  Thankful seems an inadequate description of how I feel. :)

I have had too many other things to conquer during this 3 hour block of time with the kids at their special one-Thursday-per-month class- but I did sneak in a quick edit of this one. I think it might be my favorite of the set.

pictures! ! haha

Well, here we go again!  Back in the spring before everything happened I had posted on Facebook that I lost a contact lens. A friend from high school, Holly, said she could get me a free sample from her optometrist dad. She met me at Starbucks a few days later.  (I had not seen her since high school.)  Not wanting to just be a taker :) I told her I would love to return a favor. .the only thing I could think of was photos of her newborn.  Well,  she messaged me on Monday asking if she could take me up on that offer!  He is 7 months old.  Supposed to be shooting tonight at the golden hour.  Hope I can do it!!

Photo shoot was canceled

I got a phone call late last night cancelling the photo shoot for today. She said some family issues came up and she wanted to leave first thing in the morning.. So- we had moved the photo shoot from Saturday to Sunday and now it is cancelled.  I must say, though I was willing to do it and hoping I could pull something off that would be a blessing, I am so relieved. There is just so much to do every day. I'm glad for the extra breathing room.

Tomorrow i am supposed to take some pictures. My friend Wendy had hers up on the wall..her sister saw them and wanted some done of her children. I couldn't say no. Her husband is serving in Africa. I bet he would be blessed by some pictures.

I have no feelings on this.  :) I want to be effective.  I don't have time to sort through a bunch of bad shots. I don't have time to edit much.  I hope i can deliver some simple,  pleasing captures of these little ones.

I'm just like..."ok, Lord. "  In the same way that I have come to expect variables in every single school day, having only made it through ONE school day according to what I have on paper! ! In this same way, my hand is open with this photography stuff as He seems to be bringing it to me-- despite my lack of equipment,  skill, time, and sometimes motivation.

School pictures 2014

Didn't hurt a bit :)

after seeing this on here- prob will re-edit Kate's.  Her face seems too contrasty. I must have messed something up in post-processing.  It was tricky- grass puts some green casts onto the skin tones.  I tried to apply some magenta lightly over the skin to compensate.  One day, I would love to take a color theory/processing class.  

There are several photography opportunities landing my way. My 4-H job is to be FB photographer. I don't plan to invest too much into it- but I will have my camera and will be snapping photos. The second, is a label I plan to make for Christmas gifts. Third, is I just realized it is school picture time again. I HAVE to be able to improve on last year's. I can't even believe I posted those without shame! School packages are pricey- so I plan to do it on my own again.

I don't have any time to apply toward photography right now. But, I'm thankful to The Lord that the thought of these photo opps are not causing any pain right now. So, so thankful. Even if it begins to hurt again, I'm thankful for a reprieve. Thankful for this moment in time where rest abides.

Leather and Lace-framed

I got a frame for my mom's "Leather and Lace" photo.  I tried out the stickers for a title and they looked horrible! I kinda thought they would.  I love the frame I got at Michaels.  Such a nice mat.  My only complaint is that the cream mat makes the lace look cream.  In actuality, the lace is a very soft yellow.  I liked the yellow with the brown and the blue in the background.  I wish the image could have held onto that color.  I ended up getting a name plate from a trophy shop and it was the perfect addition.

 I took this photo to meet my challenge of "Illustrate a Song Title" and I knew all along I would give it to my mom since she loves Stevie Nicks and "Leather and Lace."  But, in addition to being glad I have this gift for my mom---I just love this photo.  It is deeply moving to me- with the worn, masculine leather, paired with the delicate, feminine lace.  Such a beautiful balance that can easily move me to tears at this point.

This photo is one of the few times I can say that I actually got what I was after.  I had an image and an emotion in my head.  Props, place, time, lighting- it all came together sort of miraculously! I see in this frame, what I felt in my heart,what I imagined in my mind.  It is very satisfying. :) I hope my mom enjoys it- though I am pleased, regardless.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lEYUXnPeFsM

I couldn't get around the glare on the glass- it looks better in person
16x20
 frame 20x24

"Home"

Nikki is a relative that lived with us during her teen years.  She is now in her early 20s and lives out of state on an army base with her husband and children.  She was visiting us in December and loved the black and white barn pictures in my bathroom.  More recently, she commented on the black and white "rain" photo I put on facebook.  She asked me for a black and white photo she could print on canvas for her bedroom.  As I talked to her more about it, asking what exactly she was looking for- she mentioned she didn't really care.. she just thought it would be so neat to have a piece of "home" in her home.  So, I looked through stuff I have taken, and though I like this shot better in color, I thought it was one that would remind her of "home" and there was enough play of shadow and light to make a decent conversion to black and white.  I added a text box with a quote.  She loves it. :)  It is rewarding to be able to give it.  Here it is:

the latest

I was asked Saturday morning to take some professional pictures for one of our contractor friends.  They offered to hire me, but seriously? No.
I smiled and agreed to the request, wanting to help out these great people.  But inside-- turmoil.  The fact that it was a professional thing rather than creative took some of the ache away.  Yet- I found myself still wondering if I could do it and wondering what it might cost emotionally.

Maybe it's going to be easy.  Though, for the analysis of it, the timing was pretty bad.  Friday night I seemed to hit a wall.  All the busy work of so many birthdays and special occasions, combined with going out of town, combined with all the emotion that seems to fly in out of nowhere and attach itself to all these events....it all added up.  Friday night about 10 pm I realized I had gone too far.  Too little sleep, too much emotion not processed, too many thoughts in my head.   The pain was so intense I wanted to scream or run.  Maybe both. The problem was I had a little boy with a birthday and 4 awake boys in my living room.  There was no escape. :) Thankfully, I was so exhausted that sleep finally came.  But, Saturday morning I was still trying to sort through all that rawness and then came the photography request and I felt my heart squeeze with pain.  So weird how it is connected like that.  Even weirder (if that's a word)- is that sometimes I think I can almost pick up my camera.  Like, I'm so close and my rational self says, "What's the big deal?! Do it!" And then, sometimes within an hour of that blissful lack of pain, those moments of confidence and rest- BOOM.  The weight and hurt of so many things tumble back in.  It's been catching me at the strangest, most unanticipated times.

A person at church said to me, "Dawn, keep taking those pictures."  I was touched by the encouragement but could only respond with, "I can't right now."  I think the biggest spiritual lesson for me these days is patience.  It applies to every area of my life.  And it applies to this photography stuff, and to the pain.  I want it to go away. NOW. But, I have to endure it and I need to be patient.  I yearn to be more patient in all things. So often, I need to remind myself to say, "Ok, Lord.  You have left it here for a good purpose.  I trust you."

One day, there will be healing and I don't think this hiatus is permanent.  I think it is a season.

Guitar print

I got my guitar print from the lab today. The linen texture plus the frame I picked up the other day- I love it.  The kids loved it too which is always such a sweet bonus. :) They truly are among my most avid supporters. What a gift.

My mom's birthday is in August so I finally got around to printing that Leather and Lace photo- in a 16x20. It's so cool to see it magnified! Every texture in the lace is evident and little bits of worn leather. I want to find a frame that has a mat and on the mat i plan to title it with some stickers or rub on letters. Hopefully it won't look cheesy....


I printed that one from Costco- but I ordered another through my lab. I ordered a 16x20 of the guitar picture to hang next to the piano- I've been needing something for years. I got a frame for it yesterday w a Half off coupon for Aaron Brothers. I hope the frame works to compliment it. I'm interested to see the difference in the prints. I got a linen texture on the guitar print.

Photography Journey

It goes deep.  Photography, for me, has never been just a hobby- like golf or something.  Maybe that's why after I registered for that first class I set my phone down, climbed up on my bed, and cried pretty hard for a while?

I have been praying about what  I should do.  I am scared to say that I am done with photography- scared of losing that little expressive, fun part of my life..scared too that I might be losing time if I need this to provide for myself in the future.  Yet, when I try to imagine walking over to my camera, picking it up, and going out to creatively, boldly, adventurously take pictures of something- I just can't.  Other people's photography still reaches me.  Mine still connects with me, too.  I just don't have what it takes to reach out and do it right now.  I don't want to be vulnerable and open in that way anymore.  That probably sounds dumb to everyone but me-- I can't think of another way to explain it.

 I go through each day feeling God's grace in my life.  I have an appetite most of the time.  There are moments of laughter and deep gratitude for the blessings in my life- complete thankfulness for my salvation, redemption, sanctification.  I am praying to understand joy more fully.  I don't understand how that part really works.  I trust God's plans.  I believe He is fully right to move in any way He chooses.  He has given me so many gifts and protection throughout my life that I am grateful for- through and through.  But for right now- for this season- my heart is shattered. Much of the time, pain seems to radiate, pulsate from my chest and spread throughout.

I fail at trying to explain this in a non-emotional, logical kind of way.  Bottom line is- unless I am shooting to intentionally express pain in the image- I can't take pictures with a broken heart.  I am done for right now.  I trust the Lord to give me what I need, should photography be part of His plan for me someday.

Rain

This is an older photo that I took last fall on a rainy day.  Originally posted it in color- it had yellowish leaves and dark red deck behind it.  I never really loved it.  Last week my sister was asking for a certain photo so I came across this one and thought I should run it with some black and white edits- I liked it much better.  I posted it on facebook but want to also include it here- along with a quote from Henry David Thoreau that I like.  Thoreau was always my favorite in high school and college.. somehow I identified with that Walden Pond idea. :)

Some of my pleasantest hours were during the long rainstorms in the spring or fall, which confined me to the house for the afternoon as well as the forenoon, soothed by their ceaseless roar and pelting; when an early twilight ushered in a long evening in which many thoughts had time to take root and unfold themselves. ~Thoreau-Walden

One last rain poem I like:

How heavy fell the rain that day

From burdened clouds of mournful grey.

The torrent forced them stay their height-

Composure swayed by onerous might.

My skin wrung wet with icy chill

As mud embraced that sodden hill;

But mind of mine had elsewhere gone-

Twas clouds abandoned I was on.

The driving drops advanced their gears

To camouflage my sneaking tears-

Whence now did swell such floods of pain

To see me melt into this rain...

On equal bearing now were we:

This rain, myself, in harmony.

(author: Mark R Slaughter)

Trail of Faithfulness

It seems this blog has always been a cross of learning/information and of my personal journey and heartfelt responses.  I haven't posted for a while because I haven't taken any pictures or learned anything new.  But, I was inspired this morning by something I read.  I was wishing I had a sketchbook and the ability to draw because I wanted to solidify a truth I read with a visual image as a reminder.  (If that makes sense?)  I can't draw, though.  So, it got me thinking about taking a picture of that scene instead.

I have been reading a book called, Affliction, by Edith Schaeffer.  The reading has been slow-going, but so good.  Sometimes I can't read it because I am too tired to make it beyond a paragraph.  Sometimes I can't read it because it touches too deep at a time that I am using all I have to keep my head above waves of too many emotions.  But, sometimes, I can read it, comprehend, and it is so filled with truth and scripture- it blesses me richly by realigning my trust, my will, my heart.

I wish I had hours to document here what I am learning and reading in this book.  But, there's just too much.  This morning, though, I was in a chapter where she is describing an exhibit of faith.  The idea is that Jesus not only conquered sin and death but He also gave us humans direct access to God.  Because of this direct, delightful access, we are to pour out our requests to Him with faith.  Of course the heroes of faith from Hebrews are mentioned and how they lived out that faith through their actions.  Will God answer all our prayers with the answer we have in mind? No. But, He will answer ALL PRAYERS to someone- "Anything you ask in my name, I will do"-- does that mean anything Dawn asks she will get? No. But someone, at sometime, asking in His name will be given that request and THAT is a victory that could be added to this imagined "exhibit" -- the exhibit of His faithfulness, faithful to specifically answer ALL types of prayers.  For example, she shows how the people of the early church who were in prison could remember and be encouraged by how Paul and Silas were released from prison due to an earthquake.  We too, are to be encouraged by these "victories" that we have seen answered for others, knowing, believing that He will we answer, can answer, and if the answer to that specific request by ourselves is not answered affirmatively- then His grace and strength WILL BE SUFFICIENT.

We are to go to Him, moment by moment, asking.  This is what Jesus gave to us in His victory on the cross.  We go to Our Lord and ask with faith- EVERYTHING.  And, as we do, and we journey on day by day- we have this history to look back upon.  We can see this record of answers, record of provision, record of times where His grace was sufficient.  She describes this "record" with a couple of images- one was of ski marks on unbroken snow down a mountainside.  Another- (the one that I wanted to draw) was of a line of grass clippings that slip out of our grasp as we carry them along a path.  I want that image to remind me to live this way.  I want to remember to take ALL things to Him.  My fears late at night, little triggers of grief throughout each day, desire for wisdom, asking for help when I feel overwhelmed by parenting concerns, help for making schooling and curriculum decisions, for creativity, for joy, for faith, for fighting feelings of doubt and worry... I want to remember to talk to Him, to draw near, to share, to believe, to trust.

This image would be a beautiful reminder to me.  I wonder if I will get it.


And along those lines of asking- it becomes apparent that I have a lot to ask Him about with photography.  I have been wondering what I should do about this endeavor.  To continue to pursue this will require drive, money, and time.  I am short on all of those lately.  My plate will be full with schooling 2, with all the new components of responsibility that come with this illness and healing.  But, maybe things will settle after a while and stay calm for a bit?  If it does, should I then pursue it? I have been asking the Lord to guide me in this.  I am so emptied at this point- anything I could have been holding onto is stripped away- everything is so uncertain, and the loss of some things is definite.  So-I wonder what will He have me to do?  In this area, the photograhy- will He give me drive and purpose to continue? Or will my heart and schedule stay closed off?  It is apparent that at some point in my future I will no longer have a husband to support me.  I will need to find a way to bring in some income.  Will I need to get a Master's Degree in Social Work? Or, might the Lord use this love of photography to provide for me as a single woman?  Or is that even smart?  It seems a little risky to depend on a sales type job.  Maybe it would give me what I need for a future of being alone- I would be able to give to others a gift of capturing moments and people they cherish.  It would give me contact with others and a measure of social connection. (I'm scared to death of becoming a codependent mother or a CAT-LADY)-- and, it would give me an outlet for my heart expressions.

Or, maybe He has a different way to meet all my needs.  That's what I'm talking to Him about.  I just want to be sensitive to His leading in this area- in case it is His plan to use this to cover my vulnerabilities in my future.

Project 52: Furry Friends

New edit and final choice- but I was not excited about this topic.

This was my first edit and earlier post.. I don't love it. Still don't- but I think I improved it a little with new edit.

Jil

I don't really have anything important to say :) I just wanted to post something so that people don't have to see my face pop up when type in the blog address. :)

So- a fun fact- my dear friend Jil that is living in the Middle East shares my deep affection for coffee and books. :)  We have shared these things for years and years.  The Project 52 theme I did for "Soothing Repetition" made me think of her.  I sent her the picture a while back.  She messaged me last week to show me that she had it printed 16x20 and it hangs on her sunporch.  So special to me that my work, my vision was equally meaningful to another and meaningful enough that she wanted it hanging up in her home.  What an honor.  It is a very sweet blessing.

Project 52: How Others See You

Final:

Runner Up??

My sister likes this one better because you can see a hint of a smile.. I think I prefer the close up shot to be the final because the image has more impact without the distraction of the background and book title.  So--hmm.. here's the runner-up I guess:

Being a bookworm..this is often how people "see me" :)

Happy Places

The last part of planning my new "workspace" was wanting to get something to hang over my desk.  I was hoping for something inspiring in one way or another-- a quote, an attractive piece of metal or picture, etc.  This is what I ended up with- a floating frame and I printed some of my older pictures that represent some of my "happy places."  A great bonus is that not only are these images "happy places", but when I look at them I also remember the pleasure I found in capturing them.

In other news: I needed to finish up last week's project "How others see you." I was telling my little sister last week how I wasn't happy with the end product of the self-portrait.  She gave me a fun idea.  I took 10 minutes yesterday after work to re-shoot.  I haven't edited yet, but I think I will find something that I like and will post that later today and be done with it.  The problem was, my Black and White, self-portrait- I just didn't pull it off with the quality that I wanted so I guess that's why it didn't feel right for the FINAL submission for the week's project.  This idea is more playful.

After I get last week's project posted, I think I will be taking a break for a week or two.  I want to carve out time to pursue learning in this.. yet there are many things pulling for my time right now.  I have 4 weeks left to finish off this school year well and that is heavily on my mind.  Additionally, I need to get things ordered and ready from the school so that I have materials to plan with over the summer.  It is also the first of the month--bringing all those responsibilities.  Annnd, I am trying to continue purging my house because it is wayyyyy overdue, but also to maximize a yard sale I will be having to raise funds for Robert's mission trip to Africa.  The cherry on top, is that I just invested some money in cleaning up our yard and I'm terrified that my neglect of it will result in a waste of all that money- so I'm trying to make sure little things get done that will make the most of what has already been invested.  And go the grocery store. And laundry. And plan some meals and cook- I have been slacking and wasting too much money on eating out. And laundry. Did I mention laundry? 

I'm seriously slacking. I have to work harder on learning. And, I can't decide which self portrait to choose for the theme! I don't like any of them for it! I hope I get out of this rut and move forward soon. Grr.

More choices

I really cannot come to a conclusion on this topic "How Others See You."  Usually in editing for these weekly projects I will finally stumble on one or an edit that I love.. I am not getting that this time around. Here's more choices.  I think I need to ignore this for a while and come back to it to see if I can make a choice.

One possibility

Not loving this but there are not many I can use from my shoot.  

self-portrait

The theme for this week is "How others view me." I have been thinking of doing a self-portrait with kind of a downward focus since most people are taller than me.  I knew it would be a challenge and in wanting to grow.. I was ready to tackle it.  But it is really, really hard.  I never like pictures of myself so I knew that would be a huge barrier.  On the technical side- it is hard to find a focal point and jump into it..if that makes sense.  I don't have studio lighting but was picturing a hard shadow/light line across the face in black and white- kind of a grunge, edgy look with negative space accentuated through triangular arm shapes leading to the face.  High hopes.  I thought if I could control the light and just use a single lamp with a daylight bulb I could get what i want.  I tried the bathroom with no windows but light was bouncing everywhere-- white shower curtain, mirror, light walls. Duh.  Then tried the hallway hoping the light would fall off behind me but that didn't work..then natural light in my bedroom.  So many focus issues, had the kids come stand in for me so I could focus and then kick them out of the way- but they aren't my exact height so it didn't always work well. I read up on Rembrandt Lighting and Short Lighting and looked over some diagrams.. no way.  Not even close.  Most frustrating was trying to use my flash unit that I got for Christmas.  I thought I could use that as my single light source bounced off the wall near the face.. it was so horrible and I still don't have the foggiest idea how to use it even though I have read the manual.

This was a bad project to try to do on a day when I am already low on patience and confidence! I finally stopped shooting and have yet to pull things up on my computer to edit.  I hope I find something to work with and can give it a twist that I like.  Phew.  Good thing I am on break today, though.  I have not spent time on my chore list at all!

Project 52: Just For Fun

Working on the project

This week's theme is called "Just For Fun." I have thought and thought about it.  I am sure I will have a gazillion good ideas next month, but I could only come up with a couple ideas.  At first, I pictured a my feet all nicely pedicured, toes in at an angle with a funky toe ring! JUST FOR FUN-- perfect! If I was going to wear a toe ring-that's exactly what I would be thinking as I put it on.  But..I chickened out.  I really don't want a picture of my feet- especially a close-up, on here and then printed in the book I am going to make when I am done!

Next, I thought-ok.. a cherry on top.  That will do.  So, I took the photos and then had the hardest time in post processing because I forgot to follow the "Rule of Thirds" when I was composing the shot.  In art and photography you are supposed to try to keep the subject in the crosshairs of a vertical/horizontal third if you imagine a grid over the image.  Of course, rules like that can be broken but typically, it is more visually pleasing.  So, I kept zooming in and trying to rotate the frame to get that stupid cherry in the right 1/3 but then I usually would have to crop too much off and not see the blue ice cream dish or it wasn't just right.....I finally ended up with this one and exported it, ready to upload to the blog but not LOVING it.  "Just for fun" haha- I went back into Lightroom and found a more pulled back shot..zoomed in and cropped really tight and also cropped SQUARE..and!!!!!!! found one I love! yay! It's so exciting when that happens :)

 So- here was the first run.. next post will be the final.

Made and printed this for my kitchen- and quite possibly, my forehead.

Work Space

Not a lot happening right now with my camera or even with editing.  There's been a bit of a lull in my motivation but I am sure it will return as it usually does.  In spite of that, I have been working on recreating a work space at home for editing.  I had been using an old computer armoire to house all my photography books, laptop, hard drive, etc and planned to edit there-- but it never happens.  Facing into that cabinet feels so stifling that I always go somewhere else.  You aren't supposed to edit in different places because the light changes and screen looks different.  Anyway, it is so far out of my area of expertise to decorate or rearrange-- but I am trying to make an effort and create a space that feels good and inviting (and also is a nice addition to my home.)  I found a red desk at Target that I love.  I hope I pull it off and don't end up just wasting money, time, and energy.

I can keep working on my Project 52 stuff and I have yet to work allll the way through my Lightroom5 book- but I want to grow more.  A year ago I was inhaling every book from the library in every spare minute.  Now- I am not as motivated.  I don't know where to go next in my learning and it seems some resources aren't good or relevant.

For Mother's Day- I think I am going to ask for: 1. Something good to eat. :) 2. A ticket for a NUTS game. 3. A 3 month subscription to Lynda.com- supposedly there are many high quality teaching videos available and you can watch as many as you want during your subscription.  Maybe that would help.

New Topics

I finished all the MCP topics that I had jotted down from the beginning-- so I had to go back to that blog and research some more.  The new list seems so intimidating! And, I am starting to wonder if all my stuff is looking the same and therefore, boring.  I dunno..  We'll see how it plays out, I guess.

New themes:

Just for Fun
How Other See You
Furry Friends
Princess for a Day
First Thing in the Morning
Window Light
Spring Fever
Need for Speed
Reflection
Enchantment
Make it Tasty
Crave
Hidden Objects
Nature's Finest
Sweet Relief
Get in Close
A Letter of the Alphabet

Project 52: From the Jewelry Box

Project 52: Childhood Toys

I was not excited about this week's topic and reluctantly completed the goal.  I don't love this image, in and of itself-- but I was happy to see a perfect histogram on my screen indicating a well-balanced exposure.  I also like the play of texture here.  I am getting more comfortable with a good starting point for certain conditions and where my settings should be.  I took about 10+ shots of this setup from differing angles..but this was the first shot, actually.  And, I did not do much to it in post-processing.  That's progress I am happy about.  I just wish it would translate to LIVE subjects. :)

Label

I am always attracted to wine bottles and wine labels--I have always thought wine bottles are so elegant looking.  Over the years I have tried to figure out ways to incorporate wine bottles into home decor somehow-- but since that's not really my strong point :)  I haven't come up with anything yet.  Today, I saw a wine label that seemed made for me.  I had to get it.  Given my obsession with barbed wire and how I seem to be drawn to it time and time again:

T and the Sunburst

Project 52: Express Yourself

With a film grain look added

Project 52: Express Yourself-- fail

I didn't really feel like working on this..but pushed myself.  I had this idea for this theme of a colorful close up of art supplies but really rustic and texturey.  I think I just don't have the right equipment..needing a  lens with stronger magnification.  A macro lens.  Someday..  Here's the failure attempt:

8th grade

I got to do a photo shoot for a graduating 8th grader today-- one sweet boy whose birth I celebrated with so much joy.  It is an honor to get to provide a picture for the 8th grade graduation slide show/invitation, etc.  He was so patient with me and so much easier than a toddler or sibling group!

After edit

Straight Out of Camera

Edited lightly