It seems this blog has always been a cross of learning/information and of my personal journey and heartfelt responses. I haven't posted for a while because I haven't taken any pictures or learned anything new. But, I was inspired this morning by something I read. I was wishing I had a sketchbook and the ability to draw because I wanted to solidify a truth I read with a visual image as a reminder. (If that makes sense?) I can't draw, though. So, it got me thinking about taking a picture of that scene instead.
I have been reading a book called, Affliction, by Edith Schaeffer. The reading has been slow-going, but so good. Sometimes I can't read it because I am too tired to make it beyond a paragraph. Sometimes I can't read it because it touches too deep at a time that I am using all I have to keep my head above waves of too many emotions. But, sometimes, I can read it, comprehend, and it is so filled with truth and scripture- it blesses me richly by realigning my trust, my will, my heart.
I wish I had hours to document here what I am learning and reading in this book. But, there's just too much. This morning, though, I was in a chapter where she is describing an exhibit of faith. The idea is that Jesus not only conquered sin and death but He also gave us humans direct access to God. Because of this direct, delightful access, we are to pour out our requests to Him with faith. Of course the heroes of faith from Hebrews are mentioned and how they lived out that faith through their actions. Will God answer all our prayers with the answer we have in mind? No. But, He will answer ALL PRAYERS to someone- "Anything you ask in my name, I will do"-- does that mean anything Dawn asks she will get? No. But someone, at sometime, asking in His name will be given that request and THAT is a victory that could be added to this imagined "exhibit" -- the exhibit of His faithfulness, faithful to specifically answer ALL types of prayers. For example, she shows how the people of the early church who were in prison could remember and be encouraged by how Paul and Silas were released from prison due to an earthquake. We too, are to be encouraged by these "victories" that we have seen answered for others, knowing, believing that He will we answer, can answer, and if the answer to that specific request by ourselves is not answered affirmatively- then His grace and strength WILL BE SUFFICIENT.
We are to go to Him, moment by moment, asking. This is what Jesus gave to us in His victory on the cross. We go to Our Lord and ask with faith- EVERYTHING. And, as we do, and we journey on day by day- we have this history to look back upon. We can see this record of answers, record of provision, record of times where His grace was sufficient. She describes this "record" with a couple of images- one was of ski marks on unbroken snow down a mountainside. Another- (the one that I wanted to draw) was of a line of grass clippings that slip out of our grasp as we carry them along a path. I want that image to remind me to live this way. I want to remember to take ALL things to Him. My fears late at night, little triggers of grief throughout each day, desire for wisdom, asking for help when I feel overwhelmed by parenting concerns, help for making schooling and curriculum decisions, for creativity, for joy, for faith, for fighting feelings of doubt and worry... I want to remember to talk to Him, to draw near, to share, to believe, to trust.
This image would be a beautiful reminder to me. I wonder if I will get it.
And along those lines of asking- it becomes apparent that I have a lot to ask Him about with photography. I have been wondering what I should do about this endeavor. To continue to pursue this will require drive, money, and time. I am short on all of those lately. My plate will be full with schooling 2, with all the new components of responsibility that come with this illness and healing. But, maybe things will settle after a while and stay calm for a bit? If it does, should I then pursue it? I have been asking the Lord to guide me in this. I am so emptied at this point- anything I could have been holding onto is stripped away- everything is so uncertain, and the loss of some things is definite. So-I wonder what will He have me to do? In this area, the photograhy- will He give me drive and purpose to continue? Or will my heart and schedule stay closed off? It is apparent that at some point in my future I will no longer have a husband to support me. I will need to find a way to bring in some income. Will I need to get a Master's Degree in Social Work? Or, might the Lord use this love of photography to provide for me as a single woman? Or is that even smart? It seems a little risky to depend on a sales type job. Maybe it would give me what I need for a future of being alone- I would be able to give to others a gift of capturing moments and people they cherish. It would give me contact with others and a measure of social connection. (I'm scared to death of becoming a codependent mother or a CAT-LADY)-- and, it would give me an outlet for my heart expressions.
Or, maybe He has a different way to meet all my needs. That's what I'm talking to Him about. I just want to be sensitive to His leading in this area- in case it is His plan to use this to cover my vulnerabilities in my future.
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