It goes deep. Photography, for me, has never been just a hobby- like golf or something. Maybe that's why after I registered for that first class I set my phone down, climbed up on my bed, and cried pretty hard for a while?
I have been praying about what I should do. I am scared to say that I am done with photography- scared of losing that little expressive, fun part of my life..scared too that I might be losing time if I need this to provide for myself in the future. Yet, when I try to imagine walking over to my camera, picking it up, and going out to creatively, boldly, adventurously take pictures of something- I just can't. Other people's photography still reaches me. Mine still connects with me, too. I just don't have what it takes to reach out and do it right now. I don't want to be vulnerable and open in that way anymore. That probably sounds dumb to everyone but me-- I can't think of another way to explain it.
I go through each day feeling God's grace in my life. I have an appetite most of the time. There are moments of laughter and deep gratitude for the blessings in my life- complete thankfulness for my salvation, redemption, sanctification. I am praying to understand joy more fully. I don't understand how that part really works. I trust God's plans. I believe He is fully right to move in any way He chooses. He has given me so many gifts and protection throughout my life that I am grateful for- through and through. But for right now- for this season- my heart is shattered. Much of the time, pain seems to radiate, pulsate from my chest and spread throughout.
I fail at trying to explain this in a non-emotional, logical kind of way. Bottom line is- unless I am shooting to intentionally express pain in the image- I can't take pictures with a broken heart. I am done for right now. I trust the Lord to give me what I need, should photography be part of His plan for me someday.
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